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Tuesday, December 14, 2004

This Undertow

Everything I do, in everything I am, there is this constant current ~ undertow.
Just beneath the surface where you can not detect it, there it is this life crushing pull. I've seen it happen to the innocent ~ they step into my energy with love wetting their eyes and before they can catch their breath they are swept under the surface. I've watched as helplessly they fight to the smooth glass that hide this violent whirlpool ~ some have managed to keep atop for some time, but always they are swept away. It's my magic unharnessed ~ my electricity unleashed, I can't stop what I don't control.
I push away the very beautiful, knowing all to well what they will become once entangled. Please understand me, while I make no sense. Please love me, while I drift away uncaring. Please keep me grounded, as I fight you to fly. I want those things when I beg for them, but I hate them when they are given. There is no intent to destroy with in this heart, there is no malice in the spells that are cast ~ still it is darkness, somehow ~ glittering, beautiful, enchanting.
Could I be caught in my own undertow, can I? I, too, am lost in this ~ though it is my world and my creation. Sometimes, despite my true desire for honesty, I lie. Not to them, to myself ~ but I swear when I say such things they are not lies ~ it's only on the other side, after the night has past and life has changed my perspective.
If I do not believe in forever ~ why do I * for it? If I do not want someone ~ why do I * for them? If I want to be loved ~ why do I run from it? If I know myself ~ why am I still searching? If I love me ~ why do I * that you loved me?


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