adopt your own virtual pet!

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Christmas Presents

Okay, so Am says that I have ten presents coming and she gave me clues. Anyone who wants to guess, PLEASE do!

4 1/2 mins away/mall - price check
take it with me/water proof
Black BRIT belt

Tree painting
Tupper ware
Drill saw - like the bitch used

Snow flake
larger than globe when not smooshed
Framed in black

5) A FABULOUSLY cool sweater!
Inside out/wood/art - burned - plus
Brisk - fast or cold or hard

I have asked fo it by name - (doesn't really help)


Quart size container/Ben & Jerry's Ice cream - Chunky Monkey - CD
Inside 1 cubed foot
Pillow - soft, comfortable

Color: black
sail boat
pencil sketch of a monk

not home or Hammond
happy new year 2006

cat in the hat t-shirt
spinning in space, globe/earth, satellite
marble egg
long notes

Monday, November 13, 2006

Thank You Camp Lake Stephens

August 29, 2005 changed my life.
It’s hard to use the word ‘changed’ because words such as ‘ruined,’ ‘destroyed,’ or even ‘ended’ seem worlds more appropriate. On that Monday I came face to face with fears that in my real life were only distant whispers and other fears that I had never imagined. Everyone I loved was impacted, my whole family and all my friends. Over the next few day and weeks we rolled the words ‘homeless’ and ‘unemployed’ around over again and again, in hushed voices we tried those words out on each other.
“How does one ever recover from this?” I asked myself.
The answer became blatantly obvious, one does not recover. Three, six, even ten do not recover. No, recovery comes from the efforts of many, many people; strangers who reach out simply because, and in every action, large or small, make a wave of difference.
Recovery is not an absolute; a place to be reached and once obtained becomes complete. No, recovery is slow and hard and sometimes it feels further than ever and at others it seems so close.
For me, recovery started the day my family and I left the AmeriHost Inn and arrived at Camp Lake Stephens. The support and humanity over poured from every person there.
It’s hard to work your whole life and strive for self sufficiency only to realize that without the charity of others you can not exist. Only at Lake Camp Stevens it felt more like accepting the hospitality of family then holding a hand out for strangers help.
I have tried so many times to write this letter, to express in words what my experience there meant to me.
In a time of my life where ‘lost’ and ‘abandoned’ would have been the most applicable, I found that more and more often I was being shown the face of God. When I hurt the most in those first days I found incredible peace in the rows of the outdoor chapel. Since then in my lowest time I close my eyes, envision those moments and let that peace get me through. I have a feeling it will be something I do for the rest of my life and one day I hope to visit there again.
There are no satisfactory words, no way to explain, and no thank you adequate.
Still, thank you and your families!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Today I Am

Today I am this girl, can’t remember what color her hair is
Who doesn’t know her role in life and sees a strangers hands
And yes I meant it when I said I loved you
But I didn’t realize you thought that meant it was okay to make plans
I just don’t do so well with a schedule
A pre-set timeline of when and where
‘Cause I never know when I’ll show up at your house
I might get there early or I might decide to stay home and change the color of my hair

Who I’ll be tomorrow
Isn’t who I plan to stay
Yet, I’ll probably always try new things
I’ll probably always be this way

And now I am going to rent a scary movie
So I can pretend to face my fears
When in reality monsters just don’t scare me
It’s the world that leaves me trembling in tears
And what it is that scares me
Has no face for me to face
It’s all these unknown possibilities
It’s all this moving place to place

And who I am today
Isn’t who I’ll be forever
But I’ll always have a dry sense of humor
Always have to say something clever

Baby, sure I’d like to love you always
And I think I’d like to settle down sometime
But I don’t know if I am capable of a quite life
I just get so nervous when things begin to unwind
And I don’t need it see it fall apart completely
To know exactly where this thing will end
Oh and, darling, I think you’re an amazing girl
Only I’m not sure I can handle yet another lover turning into just a friend

Go ahead and love me
If you are willing to love me and understand that

Who I’ll be tomorrow
Isn’t who I plan to stay
Still, I’ll probably always try new things

And I’ll probably always be this way

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Broken From The Fall

Every minute takes an eternity to pass me by
As if even the seconds are turning to watch me cry
Well here I am, take a long, long look
Take the longest look of them all
Each tear takes me down with it
It’s just fall, after fall
And I am just trying to hold myself together
Just long enough to make something better
Just holding out for better weather

And please don’t meet my eyes
Don’t pretend this was all some huge surprise
‘Cause here we are, take a long, long look
Take the longest look of them all
Each excuse leaves another crack
And we are both broken from this fall
You, with all that you pretend to be
You had to know I’d figure things out eventually
You had to know that it would dawn on me

I really don’t have so many things to pack
Strange how I have no real reason for coming back
This is the end now; take a long, long look
Take the longest look of them all
It’s always one tiny lie that lets others through
And I won’t be standing around waiting for the downfall
I can’t pretend that I don’t know the whole story
I can’t pretend things are as different as they would need to be
And now you are simply you, with out me

Friday, September 29, 2006

What Don't I Miss?

I miss you.
God, what don’t I miss?
I miss me when I was with you.
I miss laughing until we couldn’t and then crying because our stomach muscles hurt. I long for the time we wasted together. The way neither of us wanted it to end and how when I was convinced that I was the one who needed you – you’d call as soon as I left your house. I hurt for the time when I knew that I would always know you. I miss how happy you made me, even when things were very, tragically, horrifically unhappy. There are times when, briefly, I miss your skin. Nights when, just as I am about to drift off to sleep, I miss you next to me. I miss how, with you, nothing scared me. I, I . . .
I miss wanting you, but not you wanting me. I am glad that you don’t want me, sad and at the same time deeply relieved that you don’t need me anymore.
I hate that in this life I have lost the courage that you helped me find, the spirit that you restored. I am angry because inside myself somewhere I feel like only you can bring it back and yet, I am sure that you no longer can. I loathe being scared of everything and that I am scared of nothing, of air, of thoughts, of possibilities – good or bad. I despise that I am scared of, well, you.
I am terrified of you, of your voice, of your beautiful existence. I have nothing to give; I know that you are someone who will understand when I say that there truly is nothing left. I know that I am not who I was, and that I can no longer be who you would be looking for if you were to look for me. Again and again my day dream memories of us are interrupted with how disappointing things really are, how out of my hands and beyond me. There are very few others who make me feel this way, only one delicate fairy who invokes this feeling with more strength.
When you come near me the most infinitesimal part of me, deep inside, reaches out in evaporating hope, in desperate desire for a life long ago ended. A life cut wretchedly, disastrously short. While that minute ember of hope tries frantically to start a fire the rest of me, my body and mind, goes unbearably cold; withdraws from the conversation, disengages from you. I will never adapt to life without you, I will never stop feeling the break left deep inside. The scar that losing you has left on me will mark me always. I will never live a life in which you are not missed to the point of physical pain. Still, I am not certain if I could continue to exist should I have to lose you continually. I can not endure you fading in and out again and again, like a ghost, like our memories.
You have to see that I am hurting. If this, if all of this and us and the life I miss was ever real. If you ever loved me the way you seemed so scared to say you did, if you knew me better than I knew myself, then you must know that I am hurting. You must be aware, somewhere within yourself, that I am dying inside.

asking too much ~ Ani Difranco

i want somebody who sees the pointlessness
and still keeps their purpose in mind
i want somebody who has a tortured soul
some of the time
i want somebody who will either put out for me
or put me out of misery
or maybe just put it all to words
and make me go, you know
i never heard it put that way
make me say, what did you just say?
i want somebody who can hold my interest
hold it and never let it fall
someone who can flatten me with a kiss
that hits like a fist
or a sentence, that stops me like a brick wall
if you hear me talking
listen to what i'm not saying
if you hear me playing guitar
listen to what i'm not playing
and don't ask me to put words
to all the silences i wrote
don't ask me to put words
to all the spaces between notes
in fact if you have to ask, forget it
do and you'll regret it
i'm tired of being the interesting one
i'm tired of having fun for two
just lay yourself on the line
and i might lay myself down by you
but don't sit behind your eyes
and wait for me to surprise you
i want somebody who can make me
scream until it's funny
give me a run for my money
i want someone who can
twist me up in knots
tell me, for the woman who has everything
what have you got?
i want someone who's not afraid of me
or anyone else
in other words i want someone
who's not afraid of themself
do you think i'm asking too much?

~ if only, if only, if only....

Tuesday, August 01, 2006


we broke up.

You just crushed me, you hurt me. I can't think strait, I can't breathe. Am I relieved, am I just the tiniest bit happy. Freedom is farmiliar, does that make it easier.
How will I look at you, how will I exist like this. How can I push you so far away that it doesn't bother me anymore?

Stop calling, stop asking if I am okay.

Stop caring, you don't have the right anymore.