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Wednesday, September 28, 2005

"Ogers Have Layers"

I kept my head down when I said it, she had asked me to repeat myself. With tears in my eyes and a voice that burned I said it again, "I am an onion."
It was months ago, still I remember her eyes as if she was in front of me today. "What?"
"An onion. Dead and dried, under the layers are more layers and in the middle, should anyone get there, nothing." I started to cry, it felt so real and so much bigger than me. It hurt. Worn and thin, papery and broken. Keep peeling and soon the world will see. The greatest disappointment, the nothing.
Months later I met Her and she said, in the bar that first night using some strange accent with a weird voice, "Ogers have layers."
I have no idea what it meant, a reference to Shrek and how ogers are like onions in that they both have layers, once again and quite suddenly I thought, "I am an onion." Only this time it didn't seem so very bad.


Main Entry: nar·cis·sism
Pronunciation: 'när-s&-"si-z&m
Function: noun
Etymology: German
Narzissismus, from Narziss Narcissus, from Latin Narcissus
1 : EGOISM, EGOCENTRISM 2 : love of or sexual desire for one's own body- nar·cis·sist /'när-s&-sist/ noun or adjective- nar·cis·sis·tic /"när-s&-'sis-tik/ adjective


Tuesday, September 20, 2005

"It's okay, God..."

I sat there and watched with my estranged aunt and an attractive older black man from Covington as it became clear that Katrina would in fact hit home. With only minute deviances from The Worst Case Scenario hurricane Katrina would shred New Orleans in a way that no person, however capable their imagination, could ever had conjured up in their mind. As Sunday crept away and Monday angrily arrived there was no longer the holding your breath and praying to God for a 'bobble' or 'jump' or 'unexplainable 90 degree turn' to save us as they had in the past. The thought in my head as people slowly woke up and joined us was simply, "It had to be our turn someday." And as everyone complained about how unfair life was all I heard was how the secretly wanted others to suffer. The lobby was full and the beginning of the longest time in my life ~ a time not yet over ~ started to roll. I was homeless, jobless, possession less. I had no past and no reality. I looked at myself in the mirror, wearing the clothes I had been in for over twenty-four hours. The clothes that smelled like smoke and girl from the night out just before. I was wearing all I had brought with me and as the electric drugs of my last night out wore on I said a prayer.
"Please, God, four coffee mugs."
It was a prayer that I had repeated again, and again. Art ~ lost. Writings ~ lost. Poems ~ Lost. Home ~ destroyed. Work ~ stolen. Friends ~ far away. Life ~ heart wrenchingly still wearing on, slow and ugly and so, so very sad.
After hearing the conditions, after talking to those who stayed, or some how went back the prayer changed.
"Please, God, one coffee mug."

yesterday at 9:17 am
Slowly the truck rolled down my street, each home looking eerily normal. The knowledge that though this little town of mud covered homes looked as if it could be saved. Washed and painted and smiley-faced we could all come home, that was just so horrifically far from true. Each little home still and dead and then mine. Mine: twisted and taken from it's foundation. Mine: broken, fundamentally. And I said a different prayer.
"It's okay, God, they were just coffee mugs. I know."
The front door wouldn't open because the cedar block piers had come up through the floor right behind it. When the back door opened finally, hanging ~ perfect as the only proof that some where inside of me was this domestically challenged girl who was really ready to try ~ hanging still and beautiful in a way which would make Martha proud ~ my four coffee cups.

"It's okay, RaeJillian, they were just coffee mugs. I know."

- A rainbow feather boa, a binder full of art sketches, the whole set of dishes to which the coffee mugs belonged, an Indian statue, jewelry, my clock (still telling the right time.) I walked away with more than most and more than I hoped.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Your Kiss ~ This is weird

Do you think you could tell me the truth? We've only just met and if you can't be honest now, when?
Do you think you could hurt me? I am a virtual stranger to whom you owe nothing and if you can't give it to me now, will you ever?
I don't understand and it's making me crazy.

Thursday, September 15, 2005


Main Entry: 1 am·ber
Pronunciation: 'am-b&r
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English ambre, from Middle French, from Medieval Latin ambra, from
Arabic 'anbar ambergris
1 : a hard yellowish to brownish translucent fossil resin that takes a fine polish and is used chiefly in making ornamental objects (as beads)
2 : a variable color averaging a dark orange yellow

Main Entry: 2 amber
Function: adjective
1 : consisting of amber
2 : resembling amber; especially : having the color amber

My Main Entry: 1 Amber
Function: Hopefully we'll see
Etymology: Met at Toxic night before the end of the world
1 : Cute, but something more. This girl sparkles.
2 : Gemini, yet still comfortable.
3 : Kisses like NO other! BITES BACK!

Friday, September 09, 2005

A Leo, I Need A Leo ~ It's Hysterical

Rae, the best Zodiac Match for your personality is Leo

Leo, the Lion (July 23 to August 22): This generous and faithful partner is just your type. Initially, a Leo may catch your eye with their outgoing ways and flamboyant personal presence. But as you get to know them, you're even more likely to be drawn to your Leo's strength and loyalty. Be aware, people born under this sign are known for seeking pleasure at every turn. Typically, they aren't afraid to take risks to get what they want. This can-do, forceful nature can make Leos seem a bit domineering at times. However, a Leo partner will also usually be very willing to work through any problems that arise between the two of you. In the bedroom, you'll likely find the Lion to be a romantic lover with an ample sex drive. This is just another aspect of their love for life, attention, and fun.

Thanks a lot,