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Monday, July 18, 2005


Change is how Life deals with Time
Pain is how the Heart deals with Change.
Please know, I love you still.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Feels Like Home

I feel warm, slightly sick and shaky all over. My nerves are shot and waves of panic are sending me swirling and disoriented to slam into the ocean floor. We are at a place where, once again, I don't know what to say to you. I am not sure what it is that you'd like to hear, which could be why I feel so wrong inside. What you'd like to hear was never my concern, I simply let what was inside come out and miraculously you would smile. I believe it was that fact which allowed you to become someone, the only someone, I feel comfortable with inside and out. One of the only people who, if tomorrow took my last breath, could say they missed me. Aside from Korrynne and BellaTina any heartache witnessed would be the drama you so despise, it would be people missing an idea or an incorrect assumption because they do not know me. That you do means so much to me, it almost makes it to where I cannot breathe. You say that you do not lie, you will not say someone is beautiful if they are not you just do not make comment at all. I have no reason to believe that is anything other than honest so I am going to accept that. In accepting that I am accepting the things you have said to me, things that I found might have motive and might be meant to influence. I am going to disregard that little voice of warning and dismiss any ulterior motives I might have fabricated.
Soul mates. I believe, with all that I am, that I would not be who I am or who I will become had I never met you. With every atom that makes me up I know that I was looking for you, that I needed to find you in this life. There is a saying, "Feels like home." It would be terribly in appropriate for me to say that of you. I could say, "Feels like I imagined home should. Feels like love, safety and, dear sweet Jesus, it feels like I always prayed home would."

Friday, July 08, 2005

You Are Painfully Beautiful

You ~ you are painfully beautiful. The thought of you liberates a thousand thousands of brilliant blue and green butterflies within my stomach. Sapphire blue butterflies like the deep ocean of your skin and fire green butterflies like that which spills from your eyes. You are without explanation of any form ~ creatures as awesome as yourself simply do not exist here. They cannot for they are not made up of the same elements. You ~ for marvelous instance ~ you are not flesh and bone like me, you are light and energy and magic and glamour. You are stars and fairy dust and dreams. All woven into a superbly astonishing, beautifully crafted, flawlessly complete Angel. You take my very breath away. You erase the sky and the clouds ~ turn off the sun and melt the mountains. You come near me and suddenly the ground I stand on is gone, falling a million miles an hour ~ I tumble through your space. Never fully aware of how you do it ~ only awesomely aware that you do it so well.

Your grace and self-control are astounding. You hypnotize by the way in which you move ~ liquid and poised, dangerous lion. Fear of you runs through me ~ frozen. I cannot turn away ~ cannot move forward and yet will not retreat. On my knees looking up into the face of God’s most handsome. His pride, His joy ~ His ultimate achievement. My lips part slightly and air that my lungs cannot inhale moves cool over them. I would die to stay here in this moment ~ to worship and adore ~ I would live this overwhelming obsession my whole life. I would never see another sunset ~ never taste another salty ocean breath ~ I would live out the rest of my life and never paint or draw or write of anything other than you ~ your intensity. You are everything. I am held ~ willingly captivated ~ in the prison of your hauntingly gorgeous smile. Intoxicated, drowned, lost and found within that smile ~ the smile of the heavens. Broken down, torn to pieces, destroyed and rebuilt within those eyes ~ the green of the stars.

Where did you come from and where are you going? How do you hold time so statuesquely still? Who will I be after knowing you? Stronger, more beautiful, smarter, improved ~ there is no way I could absorb you and not abide the change. It is without doubt that I am now a more superior being, enhanced ~ charmed. All that you touch you distinguish ~ for your touch calls forth the awesome. This is because you are awesome. Awesome, the word should be honored to be used for you; all of these should for not one comes close to what it needs to be to begin to describe you.

Forever I will write ~ endlessly using the same words and searching for new ones. It is part of my destiny. Forever no words will be good enough. That is part of theirs.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

So Now You Have A G.F.

My heart does hurt ~ my chest aches.

Inside myself I am not sure what this is ~ this void which is so very like nothing I have ever felt. I had been empty ~ I am not now. I had felt the pain of a struggling ego as its pride was torn away ~ at the time I mistook that for a broken heart. My ego is not hurting. No gasp of agony as the sting of betrayal leaks poison into my veins. No ~ none of those things.

At first your words had caused a cold shockwave to freeze my blood and internal organs. My disbelief acting as blinders to my vision. Then I felt the blur of detachment ~ the burn of a real soul-deep wound opening as the razor sharp words peeled back the thick shell of safety I keep myself in. A deep breath with no oxygen and dust lighting a fire in my eyes as if tears. I smile for there is nothing for me to say.

Over the next few days I know I will emerge from the chrysalis of sadness. Still, being with you gives me a peace that I ~ even now ~ do not understand. I cannot look at you eye to eye ~ I cannot smile at you ~ my eyes will not sparkle. Outside I am distracted and you say I sound dead. Inside of myself I am drifting through confusion and indecision ~ how can I stand to be near you ~ how is it that I still feel as if I need your presence to find my clarity? Why ~ why is it that I feel worse when I leave than I do standing next to you? How are you able to calm this ~ to ease it ~ how?

After I put you to bed I leave ~ I cannot sit and talk to you tonight ~ I don’t know what to say. I can’t understand what is happening to me. I feel like a doll wrapped in plastic and packed in a box awaiting her trip into the attic. I feel suspended and still ~ I feel like a tornado has me in it’s middle where the world is freakishly calm inside the forceful chaos. Movie reel memories as sweet as a child picking flowers and yet no emotion arrives with them. No real pain ~ no thrilled happiness ~ just this hollow ache and this acid like desire which burns through me in spite of myself. So I write you a letter ~ faithful way to talk without talking. Pour it all out ~ how I am confused but honestly not mad with you. What was I doing that I should give you such power and without any thought ~ that I should release myself to you and let you have the frail and real parts of my soul and heart. That I should be so utterly stupid.

I want you to know that everything I said I meant and I mean it still. I want you to call if you ever want or need me. I want you to remember that forever ~ I am forever going to adore and be amazed and want and forever I will have this. I want you to understand and know. I want it to matter to you in the tiniest way for it matters to me in a monstrously beautiful gigantic way.

With my age I have learned that though it feels sometimes like you cannot ~ cannot breathe ~ cannot think ~ you can. I know that. Only ~ I don’t want to have to get use to this. I don’t want to wait for it to ease away. I don’t want to turn off the passion ~ I don’t know if I can. I don’t want you to be someone who I don’t know anymore ~ a friend I spend an hour talking to just to brief the last six months.
I love you ~ I know it. I live it ~ I am it. Right now ~ I feel it in a terrible way.

Please, Forget Me

In truth it is utterly ludicrous ~ almost comical ~ that this letter causes me so much anguish. How it causes me to feel ill to my stomach and blink back a strange burn ~ how my fingers and hands up to my shoulders and body is filled with this shocked and scared warmth ~ like fear that runs cold and then boils inside every vein and artery. That I should write it reluctantly, so severely concerned with how honestly devastated I would be if it hurt you in anyway. I believe the only reason I can write it at all is because inside I am fairly sure you will read it and ~ if anything ~ be only momentarily aggravated with the time you wasted on it.
“Life is a game.” Your words, that beautiful fucking voice. It was not so far away ~ in the grand picture it was a long time ago when I was becoming who I am now. This girl trapped on a carnival ride ~ spun around and unsure. I took note at the time the brief thought that I should take heed of that warning ~ only you with your way though you have the same presence of a fierce late-summer storm ~ some how you felt safe. Those words were forgotten and then last night as other things hurt and wore on my heart ~ as my confusion here with you was being drown by a rage I tried so hard to quiet ~ those words and that whole night came like a rush of blood to my head. I realized that while to me this was never a game and I while what I feel is raw and real ~ while I never played pretend ~ if your philosophy is that life is a game a congratulations is order. A titanic and enthusiastic, “Well done!”
You are ~ as I am convinced you will always be ~ the winner. Smooth and cool, very ‘pimp.’ Standing here ~ feeling this ~ and there is no one to blame other than myself. You never lied ~ never out right gave any reason to fathom a thought of what tripped me out being mutual. You in your way of smiles and laughs and half sentences or lightly spoken overtures. You are very ~ very good. I am ~ in some twisted way ~ impressed.
As a testament to your skills I am also addicted ~ I will do this forever. Wait for your boredom or lack of alternatives to cause you to look for me. After a week or month or several when you called I’d die of sheer elation and relief and tear myself form anything to be near you.
That’s why I have to ask you for a favor. It wont cost you anything or change your life in anyway. You’ll not suffer the ache or emptiness ~ you won’t even notice. For me ~ could you not call me, because forever if you call I will answer and I will come and I will twist myself to please you and I will hurt because I am not enough. I will call ~ I know I will ~ I will want to hear your voice and feel the high only you can give. Forever thinking, hoping, * that we might again collide in just the right way.
I was hoping since I cannot turn you off and nothing will erase you from me ~ maybe you could do it to me ~ it shouldn’t be too hard.

I was sick to my tummy, I hated to breathe. My head felt dizzy and my heart hurt so very bad. I shook when I gave it to her. I was in a way commiting suicide ~ to loose her was going to kill me. She read it and her cheeks flushed scarlet. Her green eyes brighter because of the red around them. "So you don't want me to call you."

I look at her and my stomach knots into a twisted ball of hurt. "You could not read that and think I don't WANT you to call. Yes, I want you to call ~ ALWAYS. I need you not to, I NEED you to turn me off."

She stands up angerly and sits when I ask her to. She clenches her jaw with madness and relaxes when I remind her that she promised to be nice. She takes a moment and then looks up at me. "No."

Tears are burning my eyes and I tremble harder. "No, what?"

"No, I cannot do that, I will not fulfill that request."

There are tears now, which she ask me not to cry and I am trying to honor that. I demand again and again ~ i need to know why she wont just leave me to feel this agony as it rips me apart.

Her beautiful voice, "We are a certain kind of soul mate. I have to know you and talk to you."

Those words and that thought both completes my heart destroys me.

I believed that with all of my being. I believe it still ~ it's why I cannot walk away. Why she always makes it better. Even now, as she makes it worse.

Who Needs Relationships?

I'll just fuck my friends and die alone.

Maybe it sounds crude but really. I seem to be a wonderful, life long, I'd-die-without-you friend and yet some how never the 'girlfriend' type. It's just that I'd like to love someone ~ other that she who does not love me ~ I'd like to be the one they come home to. I want to give someone everything ~ I'm ready.