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Wednesday, July 06, 2005

So Now You Have A G.F.

My heart does hurt ~ my chest aches.

Inside myself I am not sure what this is ~ this void which is so very like nothing I have ever felt. I had been empty ~ I am not now. I had felt the pain of a struggling ego as its pride was torn away ~ at the time I mistook that for a broken heart. My ego is not hurting. No gasp of agony as the sting of betrayal leaks poison into my veins. No ~ none of those things.

At first your words had caused a cold shockwave to freeze my blood and internal organs. My disbelief acting as blinders to my vision. Then I felt the blur of detachment ~ the burn of a real soul-deep wound opening as the razor sharp words peeled back the thick shell of safety I keep myself in. A deep breath with no oxygen and dust lighting a fire in my eyes as if tears. I smile for there is nothing for me to say.

Over the next few days I know I will emerge from the chrysalis of sadness. Still, being with you gives me a peace that I ~ even now ~ do not understand. I cannot look at you eye to eye ~ I cannot smile at you ~ my eyes will not sparkle. Outside I am distracted and you say I sound dead. Inside of myself I am drifting through confusion and indecision ~ how can I stand to be near you ~ how is it that I still feel as if I need your presence to find my clarity? Why ~ why is it that I feel worse when I leave than I do standing next to you? How are you able to calm this ~ to ease it ~ how?

After I put you to bed I leave ~ I cannot sit and talk to you tonight ~ I don’t know what to say. I can’t understand what is happening to me. I feel like a doll wrapped in plastic and packed in a box awaiting her trip into the attic. I feel suspended and still ~ I feel like a tornado has me in it’s middle where the world is freakishly calm inside the forceful chaos. Movie reel memories as sweet as a child picking flowers and yet no emotion arrives with them. No real pain ~ no thrilled happiness ~ just this hollow ache and this acid like desire which burns through me in spite of myself. So I write you a letter ~ faithful way to talk without talking. Pour it all out ~ how I am confused but honestly not mad with you. What was I doing that I should give you such power and without any thought ~ that I should release myself to you and let you have the frail and real parts of my soul and heart. That I should be so utterly stupid.

I want you to know that everything I said I meant and I mean it still. I want you to call if you ever want or need me. I want you to remember that forever ~ I am forever going to adore and be amazed and want and forever I will have this. I want you to understand and know. I want it to matter to you in the tiniest way for it matters to me in a monstrously beautiful gigantic way.

With my age I have learned that though it feels sometimes like you cannot ~ cannot breathe ~ cannot think ~ you can. I know that. Only ~ I don’t want to have to get use to this. I don’t want to wait for it to ease away. I don’t want to turn off the passion ~ I don’t know if I can. I don’t want you to be someone who I don’t know anymore ~ a friend I spend an hour talking to just to brief the last six months.
I love you ~ I know it. I live it ~ I am it. Right now ~ I feel it in a terrible way.


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