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Monday, June 06, 2005


Why would I push you away? I like being friends with you. I like being around you, spending – hanging out with you. You’re my friend, I like that we’re friends.”

I am just so tired of wondering, not knowing ~ waiting. I just don’t understand how someone who is so good at talking, so well rehearsed in blunt observation, so open about what is going on, can then turn around and be so vague. If you know me so well ~ better than myself, as you once again this weekend pointed out ~ is it even possible that you are unaware of how confusing you can be. I don’t want more necessarily, don’t need a title or word to define my role in your life. If, however, you have decided to change the dynamics of our ‘friendship’ it seems only fair that you share that with me.
I can be your friend ~ I adore you and care for you with all that I am. I would die without you ~ literally I believe that my heart and soul would lose so very much that I would not be able to exist as I am and therefore the girl you know, and I love to be, would die ~ perhaps forever. I just need to know where you are and I need to hear you say the things you imply. I feel so worn out with the struggling to understand ~ squinting and leaning in so that I smell your cologne and feel your breath just trying to make since of your words. You purposely trip people up if you feel them get comfortable ~ I know, but darling I am not comfortable in that way. You ease my soul, my heart fills with peace, my breath comes calmly and I could sleep ~ just to be near you ~ still when it come to you I am not comfortable. Why ~ if I were ~ would you want me not to be? You ask questions and psychoanalyze me ~ pulling out the things I do not choose to share with anyone. Why would you, if you do not care, and are not interested? To open up to you is to trust you ~ why fight so hard for that if you would not at least be careful with it? Why take that long, deep look only to turn away?


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