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Monday, May 02, 2005

My Darling Leo,

Breathe ~ a reminder to myself. I imagine that you never need to remind yourself to breathe. In my mind ~ despite having seen you be this lovely timid girl ~ you are a fierce and brave lion. A lion with wings and eyes the color green only angels and other creatures most loved by God have.
The weekend came and I was so scared. You were so vague and indifferent and cool ~ you had never treated me as though there was a distance. I didn’t care that you made other plans ~ just that you didn’t talk to me about them. Not in a way like you have to explain ~ in a way like you always did before. I keep thinking that I should have seen something ~ that this shouldn’t be such a shock. Am I so blind? I never considered myself to be. Then I never considered a lot of things and that was just ignorant on my part.
Then there’s a phone call ~ several ~ and I hate them because I am so stupid drunk that I can’t even remember your voice or what was said. I know that their memory makes my heart hurt and I know that I had you raging mad. I know that I closed my phone and just before a wave of incredible sickness spun me around I thought, “God, please don’t let that be the last time we speak.”
All I know now is that scared is edging away and in it’s place there is this terrible sadness. I feel sick to my stomach and I reach for the phone. I’m going to call the one person who can always make anything better ~ ahh, but I’m leaving her alone ~ that actually may be backwards. She’s my Leo ~ my best friend and she’d know just what to say. Only today, I don’t think she’s say anything to me ~ she doesn’t want to even think of me. Guess that is what makes this the worst.
I’m not sure where you stand on so many things, don’t know if you think this could pass and we’ll still be friends with benefits or friends with out said benefits or friends at all. Here’s what I do know: I know that you became so wonderfully a part of everything and gave it life. I know that for a good while my poorly packed cigarettes will cause the same sting as my tied shoes. I know that I still think we’ll know each other always ~ what a lovely thought. I know that I will write you letters still, dreams and thoughts and things. I think I would die if I didn’t because you will inspire me forever. I know that I miss you already ~ I think that I know that you knew I would.
I * you were not still a mystery, I * you were not still full of such beautiful magic. I * I were more Sagittarian ~ more selfish and less interested. I * it didn’t feel so good to please you and have you smile at me. Even if you never spoke to me again ~ if you did and were horribly, horribly mean and deliberately hurt my heart ~ I would never * to forget that smile. Never * I knew or loved you less. I ~ in terms of you ~ am passionate and that is awesome and that I guess is bound to equal both very good ~ as it has ~ and very yucky ~ as we’ve so embarrassingly seen. How could I ~ now that I have felt this ~ been so alive with passion ~ so on fire with pleasure ~ completely awoken ~ how could I dare to * it were any different or imagine living this life any other way? I cannot and I will not and I do not want to.

All of My Love,


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