Make Me Stay

She always says that I keep things bottled up. I always felt like I wasn’t the person everyone knew, like no matter how hard I tried to show them what was hurting inside it just wouldn’t come across. She says I’ll kill myself keeping everything under my skin. Maybe. I smile and say that most of what she thinks bothers me simply doesn’t and that what does I let go of. She says that there is a big difference between letting go of small things and letting go of those things that are wrong ~ I know what she’s talking about. She says, “Jesus, Rae, fucking yell! Fuck! Say something – don’t let her do this to you it’s fucking wrong, it’s just wrong!” I smile at her and she shakes her head. She says that something’s wrong and without think I say no. I don’t lie, only I do. Things are wrong but what would I say and why?
She always says that I keep things bottled up. I just shake my head and look away. She says that I should make a stand and I say that I’ve come to believe that walking away is best. Why fight? So that your torn and broken heart cane bleed more, rip beyond repair, to drag out the pain and despair, so that as you fight the world can see how much it’s killing you and the world can frown and shake its head with disappointment when you fall to the ground ~ your battle lost. No, thank you, I’ll just walk away and spare myself. Still, I wonder sometimes…
She put in a CD and turns up the volume, our windows down and lakes breeze makes my hair dance and curl. She closes her eyes as the music starts and when the lyrics roll I focus on the blue lights of the furthest sailboat. The girl sings to her own Leo ~ I would suppose ~ about how she adores her and yet can not have her so “Fuck you and your untouchable face, fuck you for existing anyway…” I know, oh boy do I know. Then another I totally understand and then “Make Me Stay” and as it plays she ask me what I’m looking at out the window, I hiding I think, “The boats.” I say.
“Well stop.” She laughs. “I can’t see your face and your reaction to the songs. I know you get them.”I nod and turn to her. As that last line touched my ears I almost cried. That’s it ~ exactly. I just really and truly and so-badly-it-hurts want someone who will make me stay. Who will stand in my way and keep me still. I want someone who will make me fight and who will win and keep me. I think I might want her to make me stay. I think she's the only person ever in my life who I believe could make me stay.
She always says that I keep things bottled up. She's right and she knows that, even though everyone who knows me would say that I keep nothing inside, she knows I do and it works because she takes it from me with out my having to say a word. She sees it and makes me give it up, she is heaven.

"Make Me Stay"
I'm gonna turn and walk away
you can wait til I am far alongthen run and come and catch my arm
and say you'd die if I were gone
I want to hear you call my name
it's too easy just to say it soft
I don't like my language
watered down
I don't like my edges
rounded off

I can't always wait
for your circumstance to improve
you know love is loose it
shifts each time you move
go ahead, put my back against the wal
lgive it all up or don't give it to me at all
you never know this could be our last night
so step back step back into the light
so I can see your sillouette
I'm not done looking yet

save the profile for the camera
give me your eye to eye
You know I know all your secrets
and you know all of mine
mostly - I don't go for the soft focus and the fantasy
I need something real I can think, and say and see - so
I'm going to turn and walk away
you wait til I am far along then run and come
and catch my arm and say you'd dieif I were gone
yes I'm going to turn and walk away
you can watch me go
or you can make me stay