Anyone Can Read
"You use the same name for everything online?"
"Yep."
"An online journal anyone can read?"
I shake my head, and laugh kind of smart. "No, an online blo-" Then her question hits me and I look up. Her green eyes are a prison and she's holding me with their steadiness. Her mouth with that oh so slight curl in the corners and I know that by my face she now knows how much I've poured into this 'little project' I started last December. "Yes, a blog that anyone can read." The sweet sarcastic which was going to correct her use of journal and not blog had simply fallen from my voice and in it's place was quiet vulnerability. I am aware that I am not good at bluffing or hiding what I feel. With her it is even more pointless than ever.
"That's kind of stupid, don't you think?" Her smile spreads as she knows she's gotten her point across.
"No, it's cool and if people read it and leave comments it's good. Just that they don't know me." I am trying so hard not to sweat, sitting across from her at the glass table. "You can't!"
"Why not? Anyone can."
"Yes, but you know me." It's more than that. It will change how she is around me, it will change what she thinks of me. She will read it and not want to be my just friend. She'll want this psycho far away. She'll take it wrong, I know she will. "It's nothing bad ~ at all. There is a lot of you and things I've said in ways, just that there they are raw and dreamy and mine." God, I'd love to share it with her, I so badly * I could ~ only, if it did do all the horrid things I fear it may ~ I'd hate it and right now I so truly love it. I'd never be able to write and feel good hear, I'd only sit at the screen and *I had never written anything so that she would not have gotten scared away or turned horribly off.
"Fine, I wont."
"If you do you just need to tell me you did. It's only fair."
"Why?"
"I need to know that you know all of that, I have to know that you found it."
"So you could change what you write?"
"No." ABSOLUTELY NOT! Why write at all if not what I feel? "No, just so that I know. It's only fair."
A laugh, small and cunning.
"I think I would be able to tell anyway, just by changes in you."
"Now it's like a challenge. To find it and to see how long I could keep it from you."
"No, no challenge! I just think I'd be able to tell."
"I'd have to tell you really quick after, I know I would."
Good. I hope she would.
I don't think she'll find this place, if she does and she would take the time to read it all ~ I wonder if then she'd understand. I hope she'd see what I wanted everyone to see every time something real enough (to me) to make it hear happened. I would hope she's fall in love with this tiny, but, God so gorgeous, little piece of cyber land and decide that she wanted to stay and inspire more loveliness forever, or as long as things are beautiful between us.
"Yep."
"An online journal anyone can read?"
I shake my head, and laugh kind of smart. "No, an online blo-" Then her question hits me and I look up. Her green eyes are a prison and she's holding me with their steadiness. Her mouth with that oh so slight curl in the corners and I know that by my face she now knows how much I've poured into this 'little project' I started last December. "Yes, a blog that anyone can read." The sweet sarcastic which was going to correct her use of journal and not blog had simply fallen from my voice and in it's place was quiet vulnerability. I am aware that I am not good at bluffing or hiding what I feel. With her it is even more pointless than ever.
"That's kind of stupid, don't you think?" Her smile spreads as she knows she's gotten her point across.
"No, it's cool and if people read it and leave comments it's good. Just that they don't know me." I am trying so hard not to sweat, sitting across from her at the glass table. "You can't!"
"Why not? Anyone can."
"Yes, but you know me." It's more than that. It will change how she is around me, it will change what she thinks of me. She will read it and not want to be my just friend. She'll want this psycho far away. She'll take it wrong, I know she will. "It's nothing bad ~ at all. There is a lot of you and things I've said in ways, just that there they are raw and dreamy and mine." God, I'd love to share it with her, I so badly * I could ~ only, if it did do all the horrid things I fear it may ~ I'd hate it and right now I so truly love it. I'd never be able to write and feel good hear, I'd only sit at the screen and *I had never written anything so that she would not have gotten scared away or turned horribly off.
"Fine, I wont."
"If you do you just need to tell me you did. It's only fair."
"Why?"
"I need to know that you know all of that, I have to know that you found it."
"So you could change what you write?"
"No." ABSOLUTELY NOT! Why write at all if not what I feel? "No, just so that I know. It's only fair."
A laugh, small and cunning.
"I think I would be able to tell anyway, just by changes in you."
"Now it's like a challenge. To find it and to see how long I could keep it from you."
"No, no challenge! I just think I'd be able to tell."
"I'd have to tell you really quick after, I know I would."
Good. I hope she would.
I don't think she'll find this place, if she does and she would take the time to read it all ~ I wonder if then she'd understand. I hope she'd see what I wanted everyone to see every time something real enough (to me) to make it hear happened. I would hope she's fall in love with this tiny, but, God so gorgeous, little piece of cyber land and decide that she wanted to stay and inspire more loveliness forever, or as long as things are beautiful between us.
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