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Thursday, February 17, 2005

I Love Girls

I've never been one to hold my tongue, to watch what I would say, or reword something to make it more pleasant. When sexuality would be brought into a conversation I would honestly reply, "I am people sexual. Doesn't matter if they are boy or girl as long as they have something that catches you and keeps you there." When girls would be discussed I'd playfully chime in that, "I'd fuck her." (Kate Moss.) Or "I'd totally let her fuck me." (Angelina Jolie.) My first boyfriend knew I was nuts about my best friend at the time, he started a game of truth and dare and then, like the incredible guy he was, dared her to kiss me. When I told him I loved him but I had to see her more, he smiled and said, "Figure it out, I can't be a girl but I'll still be your boyfriend." It was heaven, I could have someone who cared more for me than anything else in the world combined and still see the girl that made my insides shake.

My second boyfriend, and the longest relationship, was no where near as understanding. While at first he thought it was a turn on to make jokes about getting it on with me and another girl he quickly lost that idea and would go strait to, "Oh, what you want to fuck her too?" I'd roll my eyes and sigh, but inside the answer was "Yes, I really think I might."

When I'd sit around with the boys and we'd talk about different things one of my friends would say, "You are so bi-curious." to which I'd always reply, looking straight at him and using a serious voice, "Curious implies that I'm not quite sure and I know what I like." He'd always get red and laugh.

When I met her the sexual attraction was undeniable. I had to have her touch me and once she did I had to know what it was to touch her, kiss her, oh and dear God, taste her. Holding onto her and cumming like I never had in my life, tasting the salt of her sweat as I licked her small, yet perfect, breast. This is what sex was always supposed to be, this is how it should always feel and never before had it felt this way. Not one moment of any other encounter could even try to compare to even a second of this. I always hated myself afterwards, I always felt awful and would usually cry. After she and I make love I sometimes feel like crying but it's because I can't believe how wonderful life is, how sickenly beautiful she makes me feel. Magic alive and shared with another person.

The idea of being with a man now is repulsive, I think it always was. I just associated those feelings towards sex in general. I am fascinated with the thought of a life spent with a girl. Loving, sharing, fucking, crying, making love, fighting, living with a woman. God help me find that one. (Sometimes it's fun to think that maybe I have found her.)

My mother likes to remind me, in her way as she always does, that I always said I was people sexual. She says snide things such as, "I know you like this girl because she pays attention to you and no one has liked you since, well, way before Scott. I mean it's not like he liked you, but Rae, you could find a nice little guy to do the same thing and then wont you feel silly for all of this?" She also likes to inquire and then give her opinion as fact, "So what's going on?" We're friends. "Oh, that's sweet. In other words she gets what she wants and you feel really dumb in what a couple of weeks, months if you really hold on. I just don't know why you are so desperate." It's not like that. "Oh, are you in love? Is it like forever and ever with a girl who doesn't want anyone to know about you?" We are friends and I enjoy her, if I can see her I want to and what ever happens after that I can't control so I am not going to talk about with you. "You're so cool. So smart, but wasn't I right before, deep down don't you know I'm right now? Do you have to do the same thing again and again?" What can I say to that, maybe you're right. I would hope not and I don't think so, but maybe.

I think that 'people sexual' was my way of saying, "I would like to know what it's like to be with a girl because I like them a lot and I would like it known so that should it happen no one is too surprised." Now that I know I know I never want to be with anything else. How lovely, how wonderful.

When I tell her I'm a lesbian, when I actual state those words to her, and that it's not just this girl because no one else was interested. I know she'll say I'm wrong and I know she'll swear it's just to hurt her ~ as all things I've ever done in my life were based on if they would or would not negatively affect my mother. She'll swear it's because I think I'm not worthy of a man (quite the opposite) or that I am crazy to suggest that I know that I want a woman. None of that will matter because the sticker is on the car, the smile is on my face and I LOVE girls.


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