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Friday, February 11, 2005

I'd Rather Never Love You

You don't see this in me, I haven't shown it to you. I don't know why, I just can't bring people here. You don't see the fear or self doubt. You don't feel the tremble. God, but it's here. Letting you in, I shouldn't have. I knew I wasn't ready, I knew I'd only destroy it before it destroyed me and in the end lose out. Darling I would rather never love you this way than love you and push you too far. I would rather not know the girl who cryed with me in the car or made me see colors or was the first to truly make love to me, if not knowing her would let me know you forever. Keep you always as my friend. Now I am more than scared. To lose you would kill my heart because it is not only the loss of a lover but of someone who so quickly became a very best friend. Things can't always be the same, but do they have to be so drastically different? Can't you touch me and lean in and whisper, "Relax." Fix this the way you do everything else? If it wasn't you who I am going mad over I would seek you out and talk to you about it. I would give you all the lovely story and let you explain it to me the way you do everything that I just can't get. Everything that is just beyond me. Only I can't because you can't know how torn up I am. You have to stay on the other side and wonder what is wrong with me. Figure out why I am being so ugly and why you suddenly feel so far away.


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