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Thursday, January 20, 2005

16 Jan 05, 12:20am

She kisses me so softly at first, her bottom lip trembling. Holding my chin in her thin fingers. She brushes the hair from my face and looks me in the eyes. Even in the dewy blue of morning and night I am amazed at the infinite greenness. She touches my the tip of my nose with the tip of hers. An erotic Eskimo kiss. Her lips curl at the corners, only so much ~ I wonder if she heard me remind myself not to fall in love. I wonder if she heard me remind myself that it might already be too late.
She runs her fingers over my shoulder and watches and I close my eyes. Even with them shut so tightly I can see her beautiful face. Her tongue traces the lobe of my ear, the curve of my neck, the softness of my breast and then makes a tiny circle and closes warm around my nipple. I am lost in her.
The CD continues to the next song, Plumb - Damaged, it's a song that I know, love and that always brings tears to my eyes.

She's moving back to me now, kissing me, her hot breath making me need her. Her head low to me, her lips barely grazing my skin. I feel her singing the words, "Dreaming comes so easily, 'cause it's all that I've known. True love is a fairy tale, I'm damaged so how would I know..." When her mouth meets mine again I kiss her hungrily. If we are both broken then maybe there wont be a moment when she realizes that I am, maybe we can heal and grow together. Not because of each other, not for each other, maybe just ~ together at the same time.
She enters me so slowly, so carefully. Kissing my cheek, my ear, my eye lids. She buries her face in my neck while she moves inside of me. Says my name when she kisses my ear again and ask if I'm okay. Her voice makes this real, her voice makes me real.
I hold her so tightly pulling her deeper, wanting more and more and more. Inside myself I say her name like a prayer, I keep my eyes closed.
"Open your eyes. Please." I can't, I can't, I'll die! Only, as in all things which she ask, I do and there, so close to my own, is her face. "Are you okay?" Her movement slows, a pause where I should answer. "Baby, am I hurting you?"
My mouth is dry, my body is far away, I shake my head a little and smile. My face is hot, my eyes are blurry ~ I must have died ~ I am in heaven. I look out the window over her head at the sky, I need to wake up. This must be a dream. "Look at me." Her voice is full of concern and passion.
I look at her, her angled face, perfect chin. Her thin neck and lovely shoulders. Her dramatic collar bone and her tiny breast. I see her, this wonderful dream-creature, making love to me. "I am looking at you." My voice sounds small, thin, pressed with desire, flushed with awe. I must be in love with you, because even when my eyes are closed I am looking at you.
We kiss, the kind of kiss where you truly want to say something but there are no words so you kiss and hope they understand. The kind of kiss born in a dream and given in a letter.
While we kiss we move together, it is like we are one. It is like we have been lovers forever, it is like all first times should be. When I feel the flower of orgasm begin to bloom deep, deep in the small of my back I hold onto her, so very tightly. My face in the hollow of her shoulder blade, my nails in the flesh of her back. Her breath is deeper, noisier, rougher.
She lies in me, her sweaty forehead against mine. I let her slip away from me slowly, so slowly, not wanting to let go.
We sit there for a few moments, piece by piece getting dressed. She's talking, checking on me, questioning my feelings. "You're alright, right?" Nod. "You came, didn't you?" Nod. "Did you like it?" Nod. "Are you sure?" Nod. Silence.
"Hey, why aren't you talking? Did I hurt you?"
I look away from her, out the window. My eyes can't make the chain link fence in front of me clear, they just wont focus. My mouth is still dry, my insides still pulled tight with pleasure. My hands still shaking. My legs still numb, my body blown away. More than that, so much more, is if I talk too much I just might say something stupid, I may say what she makes me think sometimes, I may tell her that I could love her.
"Talk to me."
"I, I, can't." I swallow the beautiful ball of beautiful tears that want to fall with my girlish confessions of beautiful almost-love. "I can't think, it was awesome. I promise, I don't lie ~ remember?" She smiles and I go on. "That was incredible. I just can't think right now, give me time."
"You're sure, that's it?"
"I'm sure, that's it." That and you are making me love you.


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