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Monday, June 20, 2005

I Feel Like Crying

I have your necklace wrapped twice around my wrist, the rainbow beads and metal clip do not make me smile as once the could have. The idea of having to see you to give it back, my stomach twist and I feel ill. I moved your picture away from my sight this morning, hid the smile that always made me feel special as if i were what no one else could be. I hate that I was ever so stupid.

Every other time I said, “Only I do not feel like crying.”

Now, loving you is hurting my heart and breaking my soul.

Now, I feel like I may die.

I feel an awful lot like crying.

You Do Not Care

This is not a mere fluctuation. This is not a flaw that will lend its self to your ultimate perfection. This is not something I can creatively blend into the fabric of my fairy tale lie I have blindly chosen to live.

I begged you not to destroy the image, expressed how important it was to me, how delicate it was and how thin you had it stretched. I rejected the idea that you may not care if it were eternally damaged or if I just got over you. I wanted to think that you would miss my company, my physical affection, my eternal admiration, and me. I wanted to believe that you might notice I was gone.

You do not care. My space is filled, filled before I am even gone.

Careful to always say ‘someone’ never ‘you.’

You do not care at all because someone is there with you and you will never notice that that someone is not me. That someone does not love you the way I do, will not think of you the way I do.
You will never have the wings of angels in their eyes ~ you do not care.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Good Bye

“Of course you are putting me to bed, you have every night for the past ~ how long?”

A month and a week, until Friday. Then Saturday and Sunday. So I will assume that you have conquered your sleepy daemons and that you no longer need me.

So my purpose has dwindled once again. No longer serving anything other than a constant admirer and you have several of those you feel more worthy. Good bye ~ my beautiful. Good bye ~ my heart. Good bye ~ my dream and hope and belief. Good bye ~ my truth. My lover. My pain. My faith. My prayer.

Good bye, I loved you.

Good bye,
I love you still.

Monday, June 13, 2005

When You Say You Are Sorry

My heart does not hurt ~ nor my chest ache. Inside myself I am not sure what this is ~ this void which is so very like nothing I have ever felt. I had been empty ~ I am not now. I had felt the pain of a struggling ego as its pride was torn away ~ at the time I mistook that for a broken heart. My ego is not hurting. No gasp of agony as the sting betrayal leaks poison into my veins. No ~ none of those things.
At first your words had caused a cold shockwave to freeze my blood and internal organs. My disbelief acting as blinders to my vision. Then I felt the opening of detachment ~ the burn of a real soul-deep wound opening as the razor sharp words peeled back the thick shell of safety I keep myself in. A deep breath with no oxygen and dust lighting a fire in my eyes as if tears.
There is nothing for me to say.
Over the next few days anger emerged from the chrysalis of sadness and still being with you gave me a peace I ~ even now ~ do not understand. I couldn’t look at you eye to eye ~ I could not smile at you ~ my eyes did not sparkle. Outside I was distracted and you repeatedly asked what was wrong. Inside of myself I was drifting through confusion ~ how could I stand to be near you ~ how could I still feel as if I needed your presence to help me find my clarity?
“Are you okay?” You ask me. Your face is holding a look of accusation. I nod ~ fully aware that will not suffice. I know how much you dislike not knowing what is on my mind ~ especially when it seems that something is wrong. “You seem lost.”
“Lost?” I answer with a question. I glance at you only long enough to catch the blatant look of ‘that’s what I said’ which you have glued to your beautiful face. “Maybe. I just need to figure things out, just a little blown from the weekend.”

I drive for an hour after I put you to bed. I can’t understand what is happening to me. I feel like a doll wrapped in plastic and packed in a box waiting her trip into the attic. I feel suspended and still ~ I feel like a tornado has me in it’s middle where the world is freakishly calm inside the forceful chaos. Movie reel memories as sweet as a child picking flowers and yet no emotion arrives with them.

I love you ~ I know it. I live it ~ I am it. Tonight ~ I do not feel it.

So I write you a letter ~ faithful way to talk without talking. Pour it all out ~ how I am not mad with you ~ I am mad with me. That I should give you such power and without any thought ~ that I should release myself to you and let you have the frail and real parts of my soul and heart. That I should be so utterly stupid. Fear to give it to you ~ fear that you will misunderstand ~ get angry.

You read it and defend and then slowly understand and offer the words, I’m sorry. If I hurt you. I’m sorry.
My response is sincere, “I appreciate the gesture of the words.”
That statement seems to catch you off guard and you rethink and say it again and then it seem that the light goes on and you say, “I am sorry that you feel that you chose wrong and I am sorry that you regret giving yourself to me and I am sorry that you feel like I wasn’t the right person.”
I could swear that you mean it. Thank you.

I could swear that you feel something ~ only I have been wrong so many times before.

Monday, June 06, 2005


Why would I push you away? I like being friends with you. I like being around you, spending – hanging out with you. You’re my friend, I like that we’re friends.”

I am just so tired of wondering, not knowing ~ waiting. I just don’t understand how someone who is so good at talking, so well rehearsed in blunt observation, so open about what is going on, can then turn around and be so vague. If you know me so well ~ better than myself, as you once again this weekend pointed out ~ is it even possible that you are unaware of how confusing you can be. I don’t want more necessarily, don’t need a title or word to define my role in your life. If, however, you have decided to change the dynamics of our ‘friendship’ it seems only fair that you share that with me.
I can be your friend ~ I adore you and care for you with all that I am. I would die without you ~ literally I believe that my heart and soul would lose so very much that I would not be able to exist as I am and therefore the girl you know, and I love to be, would die ~ perhaps forever. I just need to know where you are and I need to hear you say the things you imply. I feel so worn out with the struggling to understand ~ squinting and leaning in so that I smell your cologne and feel your breath just trying to make since of your words. You purposely trip people up if you feel them get comfortable ~ I know, but darling I am not comfortable in that way. You ease my soul, my heart fills with peace, my breath comes calmly and I could sleep ~ just to be near you ~ still when it come to you I am not comfortable. Why ~ if I were ~ would you want me not to be? You ask questions and psychoanalyze me ~ pulling out the things I do not choose to share with anyone. Why would you, if you do not care, and are not interested? To open up to you is to trust you ~ why fight so hard for that if you would not at least be careful with it? Why take that long, deep look only to turn away?

Friday, June 03, 2005

Shadowboxer by Fiona Apple

Once my lover, now my friend
What a cruel thing to pretend
What a cunning way to condescend
Once my lover, and now my friend

Oh, you creep up like the clouds
And you set my soul at ease
Then you let your love abound
And you bring me to my knees
Oh, its evil, babe,
the way you let your grace enrapture me
When well you know, I'd be insance -
to ever let that dirty game recapture me

You made me a shadowboxer,
baby I wanna be ready for what you do
I been swinging all around me
'Cause I don't know when you're gonna make your move

Oh, your gaze is dangereous
And you fill your space so sweet
If I let you get too close
You'll set your spell on me

So darlin' I just wanna say
Just in case I don't come through
I was on to every play
I just wanted you
But, oh, it's so evil, my love,
the way you've no reverence to my concern
So I'll be sure to stay weary of you, love,
to save the pain of
Once my flame and twice my burn

You made me a shadowboxer,
baby I wanna be ready for what you do
I been swinging all around me
'Cause I don't know when you're gonna make your move