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Thursday, May 25, 2006

Someone Who

I hate how the radio plays those songs
The ones that make me miss you the most
I despise knowing reality is that if not with you
I’ll spend forever with your ghost
I wish my heart was not made of paper
That it would not bend and tear with such ease
What I wouldn’t give for you to see me exposed
To understand this is me on my knees
You say I seem so firmly set where I am
Un-giving, unmoving, simply and completely unyielding
If you could only see what’s on my inside you’d see
Outside appearance is not always what I am feeling
You ask what I want and it seems so childish to think
I want someone to hold on with all their might
Someone who will love me and make me stay
Someone who’ll never leave and thinks I am worth the fight
I need someone who will look at me
And without hesitation know when I am in pain
Someone who can make I all better
With out my ever having to explain
Someone who knows me better and better each day
Who wont let hurt alone even when I put up a strong front
Who will hold me still and stop me
When I am a kicking, screaming, raging cunt
Maybe it’s unfair of me to expect all this from you
When I myself don’t have very much to give
Only a few elaborate phrases, poetry, art work
And this ridiculously decorated world in which I live
I know that I may come off as demanding
And often you feel those demands are unjust
There is a reason to most everything I ask of you
And I promise, baby, I am someone you can trust

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Who I Am

I climb into my car, extraordinarily clean for me, and glow with internal pride.
I tie my shoes and smile just because I know how to tie them and make them stay tied.
I dance and play and know that I am free.
I rock out to music as if I am the singer, guitar player AND the drummer all at once.
I say what I mean, with out apology.
I can pack my cigarettes pretty good, and I flip two luckies.
I am who I am.
I am who I like to be.
I am who I am, only I feel like I am losing little bits of me.
Like I put them down to deal with this or that and when I move on again, I don't realize until it's too late, but have left something.
Something so small I am not even sure what it is, but sure enough it's gone.
Lost, no, stolen. Trashed, burned ~ destroyed.
I want it to stop. I want her to come back and help me put everything the way I liked it. I hope she remembers where everything was, I hope that on her way home she stops all the places I did. I hope she looks around and sees the fragments of me. I hope she picks them up and keeps them in her pockets so that when she gets here she can use my nail glue and we can fix me again.
After all soul mates are the people who refill, give life, return what the world and other take from you over time. And one thing we saw eye to eye on was that our souls were OH SO VERY MUCH a part of each others.

"You Are In Love With Someone Else."

I miss Leo.
"You never stopped."”
"“You never stopped missing her."
It'’s so much worse now, I just feel... She knew me, she just got me, no misunderstanding, no anger... Now I feel so alone. Even when I am here with you I just feel so, so alone.

A silence fills the space between us, a silence as clear and soft as our tears. I wonder if the lack of sound would taste salty, and I want to lean over her broken heart and lick her tears with the very tip of my tongue. Smoke curls, thin and green and dry, around our bodies, hers dressed in loose pajamas and mine only a short tee shirt. I'’ve never been aware of being naked with her, but now I reach over and pull the cover over my lap.

So, now... Well, what are we?
"You can't say you want to break up and then ask me like it's my choice."
I mean, do you want to be with me? Still, like this?
"No, there is someone better for you."
What? Who?
"The person you've drawn your whole life, the one you write and dream about. The one who knows you like no one else ever will."
She is my best friend, you can't use that against me.
"Best friends make the best lovers."
I don't even have her anymore, we don't even speak.
"She will be back. You two will find each other. You were made to be with each other."
You don't want to be with me because I slept with my best friend.
"I don't want to be with you because you are in love with someone else."

~I open my mouth to object, to deny. I can't. I can't even breathe. I am in love with her and I feel sometimes like it hurts so bad I may double over.~
I do, love her. I never said I didn't or that I wouldn't. I love her that is just how it is.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

A.D. ~ a dream

I can't believe I am this close to her. I CAN NOT believe it. I blink twice and move to pinch myself, then the thought that if this is a dream I would rather not wake myself stops me. She is more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. Her smell is heavy and sweet, like girl and grass and fire and winter all tangled together. Her skin is so clean I * I could taste it.
When she speaks it is with a goofy self awareness, so sure she seems unsure. I wonder if she can tell I am in love with her. I wonder if her heart and lungs and internal organs can feel me the way mine feel her.
She leans a little to sing and with her voice comes angels, tiny doves, miracles. All just fall from her lips, glistening in spit and honey. She moves like shamans, like Indians calling the rain with their shaking, sweating, beautiful brown bodies. She cries out soft as a woman tucking in a child with a lullaby, but still a cry.
I scoop up the angels and the doves and the miracles and I beg her to let me take what it is that brings forth her tears, I promise that I will keep her safe and she looks as if she may let me. She falls into my chest, sags there against me, weakness drips from her and makes a puddle on the floor. Only a moment she lets me hold her, only a brief fleeting second in the history of this earth. Then she straightens herself and shakes her head. I am not the angel she is I cannot possible take from her what she takes from the earth and hold through each night just to keep us safe from ourselves.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

The Color Quiz

Your Existing Situation
Dissatisfied. The need to escape continued involvement with her present circumstances makes it imperative for her to find some solution.

Your Stress Sources
Feels unappreciated and finds the existing situation disagreeable. Wants personal recognition and the esteem of others to compensate for the lack of like-minded people with whom to ally herself and make herself more secure. Her sensual self-restraint makes it difficult for her to give herself, but the resulting isolation leads to the urge to surrender and merge with another. This disturbs her as she regards such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome; only by not succumbing to them, she feels, can she withstand the difficulties of the situation. Wants to be valued as a desirable associate and admired for her personal qualities.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels that she is receiving less than her share and that there is no one on who she can rely for sympathy and understanding. Pent-up emotions make her quick to take offense, but she realizes that she has to make the best of things as they are.
Wants to broaden her fields of activity and insists that her hopes and ideas are realistic. Distressed by the fear that she may be prevented from doing what she wants; needs both peaceful conditions and quiet reassurance to restore her confidence.

Your Desired Objective
Urgently in need of rest, relaxation, peace, and affectionate understanding. Feels she has been treated with a lack of consideration and is upset and agitated as a result. Regards her situation as intolerable as long as her requirements are not complied with.

Your Actual Problem
Wants to be valued and respected, and seeks this from a close and peaceful association of mutual esteem.

Your Actual Problem #2
Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on her resources. A feeling of powerlessness subjects her to agitation and acute distress. Tries to escape from this by relinquishing the struggle, and by finding peaceful and restful conditions in which to recuperate in an atmosphere of affection and security. (That is what I thought she was.)

It is all INSANE, it's so right.

How Would You Be Defined?

Rae --
A master of storytelling

Amber --
A person who has the ability to be invisible

Melissa --
A person who is constantly high

Ron --

A lewd street performer

Gina --
A hard-core grave robber

(I did all my friends name, some are REALLY dumb. I posted only those that made some kind of sense.)

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Could You Still

My chest hurts, like I'’ve smoked too many cigarettes. My body has that alien feeling of heavy anxiety. I've bitten up my lips and my fingernails are chewed down to the quick. I haven'’t been very okay, lately, I mean. I have, but not really. Not on the inside, not in my head. I know you know what I mean; I know you can tell just to look at me. You always could.
Could you still?
She says to me that the sex we have blows her mind. She says to imagine the most beautiful, perfect goddess, then imagine that goddess allowing you to touch her, to make love to her, imagine that goddess also touching back. I smile softly and she says that that is what our sex is to her. I think to myself, I don't need to imagine. I have those memories....

I like that I never had to explain. I like that I didn't need to break down. You just took it from me, even if I with held. Even as I was unable. You'd cast one sideways look at me and you took what hurt, what didn't make sense. You untangled my mess of internal confussion. Oh, hey, by the way ~ thank you.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Because She Gave Me...

self discovery...

...I love her.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Spanish Doll ~ POE (Somewhat Edited)

This place feels so unfamiliar
And yet I know it well
I think I used to belong here
But the only way I can tell
Is that I miss you still
And I cannot find you here
You left me tattered and torn
Just like that spanish doll
I went down to the alley way
And found that you were gone
(if you had never left)
You left no word no message
I still don’t know what went wrong
But now no matter where I go
I always seem to return

(find me)
To where you left me tattered and torn
(I am torn my sweet doll)
A memory guilded in red and gold
(of gold also pain)
Beauty guarded and never sold
(protect me)
I keep it with me wherever I go
And I love you still
No matter how a story will unfold

(remember me)
You know I always will
Have part of you here
A stranger in this world without you
Is all that I can ever be
All I know that’s pure and clear
You left it with me here

Haunting Me

I want to go home, I want to go home…
My hands cover my face ~ deep, musty-moldy-Katrina-cough breath. When I look up things are different, but no better. Always different ~ never different. I try to focus but every time I move my eyes the picture pixilates, comes loose over a dark background and takes a moment ~ or two ~ to gather itself into a picture again… Why is that? Oh, God, how long have I been awake? Everything around me is dead, but then a house is never alive ~ is it? It all seems to have the charred look of fire wood, only there were no flame.
I want to go home, I want to go home…
I sit on a piece of wood, feel the moisture creep through my jeans, curse the fact that my ass will have a damp feeling the rest of the day. My life will have this damp feeling… I haven’t heard anything in a while. I wonder if the sound is in fragments waiting to sort itself and be heard, the way my visions have been. Audio pointillism. Find myself wondering if memories make noise as they drown, if ghost struggle when flood waters rise. Then momentarily I think that I could be a ghost, haunting this place. It feels that way. Or, maybe, this place is haunting me…
I just want to go home.
(You have to enlarge to see the complete entry - not that you all need to worry, you have the whole entry here. I would like you to comment though!)

It's The Wind

Feel that? It’s the wind,
and it’s pulling me.
Moving me again.
I’m sorry I ~ I thought we were safe.
But oh, oh God how long has it been?
Wait, please. Let me explain,
I never meant to damage you darling.
Can you forgive all this pain?
I truly believed I could stay here.
But then ~ then with the wind came the rain.
I love you and I promise ~ I promise I care,
only, inside I am empty.
Look for yourself, nothings there.
I don’t know how to be different, but if I did,
I would, I swear.
Feel that? It’s the wind,
and it’s killing me.
A growing rage within.
I am holding on, but I feel it.
Soon the tears will begin.
I’ll hurt you, I will.
And I will hate myself for it,
Blind and aimless I’ll go for the kill.
With out control I’ll continue,
until the anger inside is quiet and still.
It’s not who I am, it’s who I have been.
It’s not what I want,
it’s not for the win.
It’s an internal fury ~ my black, black storm.
Feel that? It’s the wind.
(And I am sorry.)