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Sunday, January 30, 2005

Hearing Heaven

"I'm sorry." I say my head lowered to her lap, my lips brushing her beautifully delicate fingers. "It was never my intentions to make you angry." I lift her hand in my own, kissing it gently along the knuckles, unfolding her ring finger and closing my mouth around it. Twist my tongue around her finger and move slowly to the next. Still holding that hand I move to her other, which is resting between her legs. I run my tongue over the back of her hand, pause at the rough material of her jeans and then ~ breathing deep ~ I bite at the jeans. I back up and look her in the eye.
She smiles, "You want to?"
"I've been wanting to, now I'm dying to." We kiss again, her hands loosen from my own, she guides me up to stand in front of her. "I'm not going to beg and I'd like you not to tease me."

She walks me to the folding chair, right ~ so close ~ to the tiny space heater. "Am I not worth begging?"
I laugh a little, "Oh, you are ~ just I shouldn't have to." She giggles at that while she unclips her belt. Her jeans fall and I lean into her. Licking her gently ~ feeling her out.
In only moments the fearof not knowing how to please her is swept away and I've found what will drive her wild. Sucking softly and teasing with the tip of my tongue. The noises she makes sound as if they drift down from heaven above, her nails in my shoulder and her legs trembling ~ I swear I could die in this moment! She moves against me, rocking and crying out. I feel my own pleasure spread hot and quick through my body and my hands grab at her, holding her ass and her thigh.
As she cums her body clinches, her fingers tighten and hold my hair and then she pushes me away. Gasping for air and holding herself. I lift my face to hers. My God, she is even more lovely.
We find each others arms and tangle in them,warm and sweet and good. I could, I could love her. I loved this.
"Thank you." Her voice is small, tiny, and thin. I shake my head. "Yes, thank you. I told you there was nothing to worry about."

I am a lesbian, does that change anything?

Saturday, January 29, 2005

In Her Own Words

"Here I go again . . . Trying to write you another letter. If you only knew how many I started... I feel like being alone, but at the same time I feel like being around somebody. It felt so good to lay on you last night. Warm + safe + comforting. It's like you know what's going on. Even though it's nothing specific + it didn't matter... It's cool though that I don't really have to explain the way I feel to you . . . you just sort of know + understand what's going on in a weird way. Your almost like a part of me. Your mind is sort of like mine, only you help fill in any gaps in thoughts and complete ideas. It's like you make my mind whole. Wherever I lack you fill. I'm not sure there's been anything yet that I didn't know and you couldn't tell me. Maybe it's that you compliment me? Whatever . . . it works so I guess there s no need to figure it out."
27 Jan 05, from Leo.
I'm smiling, thank you.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Welcome To My Dream

I look down at your still face, the face of an angel. I’ve been watching you sleep for so long now ~ still I am amazed by your heart breaking beauty. My finger tips have traced your features again and again, ever so softly so that I don’t wake you. Even as you sleep, with those gorgeous green eyes closed, I can see the storm that is rolling though your heart right now. If I were magic ~ the way you are to me ~ I could take that all from you and give you peace. Deep in my chest I feel the tightness, the way I breathe very slow and keep my mind from visiting the thoughts which are hidden ~ what I wouldn’t give to be the one who made it safe for you to lay still, safe for you to invite sleep in. What I wouldn’t give to have the time to learn you, all of your everythings. To taste your tears and heal your hurts.
You move and kiss my finger tip, your eyes flutter open. "Hey." You look around a little strange, rub your eyes as you sit up. Blink and blink again. You might have noticed the color ~ how everything is the same, but still a little different. The colors here all breathe, liquid motion just under the surface. Maybe you noticed the glitter of moon light too pure and too blue to be from any earthly moon. I smile and reach to kiss you ~ I know you know, but I have to tell you, "I adore you." You look away and smile so slightly. I know that you are rumbling deep inside, I know that dispite my truest * I am not what you need or want, still I can try.
As you get to your feet I get up to stand beside you. You're face is the portrait of confussion as you scan the world around you. Farmiliar? Maybe, a lot of it looks just like life, and most of it was long ago painted in letters of dreams and miscelanious thoughts. I take your hand and walk with you through the feild of childhood toys and teenage poetry. You pick up a sheet of yellowed paper, burned at the edges and covered in my tiny youthful scribble. "Can I read this?" You ask me after you start reading it.

It's a poem about the hatred I let once let drive me wild. "You can read what you like. It is all yours if you want it, that's why I brought you here."
One day, you will live here ~ one day, you will love me.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Let Me Love You ~ I Already Do

Tonight my heart could be breaking, just like I feared it would. Just like I was starting to believe it wouldn't. I close my eyes and try not to feel the sickness. Please, God, please, not yet. Not yet. What will I say to you when I can not say a thing? What will I fill my time with when you are out there lost? What will I do without you making me feel so much better? Who will I hold to make the empty that catches me off guard go away? I hate these thoughts I fall prey to in the night, they make me sick. How dramatic, how premature.
How utterly silly.
Then you call and say that you need me. Darling, it is I who needs you, so I go to you. A kiss on your pale forehead, a nibble on your ear lobe. I hold you to me tight against my chest, my fingers running through your hair. I know I can't stay long ~ still, I am here.
I'd die to stay.
Let me love you for with you I have seen all this world should have been my whole life. Let yourself love me and you will see and feel and taste the life I've found within your beautiful green eyes.
I know we have separate and long roads, I know that nothing ends here ~ though as my heart breaks for you just a little, I remind myself not to * it would.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Dear Leo

You are Ecstasy and I may have fallen in love with you. Sorry.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

16 Jan 05, 12:20am

She kisses me so softly at first, her bottom lip trembling. Holding my chin in her thin fingers. She brushes the hair from my face and looks me in the eyes. Even in the dewy blue of morning and night I am amazed at the infinite greenness. She touches my the tip of my nose with the tip of hers. An erotic Eskimo kiss. Her lips curl at the corners, only so much ~ I wonder if she heard me remind myself not to fall in love. I wonder if she heard me remind myself that it might already be too late.
She runs her fingers over my shoulder and watches and I close my eyes. Even with them shut so tightly I can see her beautiful face. Her tongue traces the lobe of my ear, the curve of my neck, the softness of my breast and then makes a tiny circle and closes warm around my nipple. I am lost in her.
The CD continues to the next song, Plumb - Damaged, it's a song that I know, love and that always brings tears to my eyes.

She's moving back to me now, kissing me, her hot breath making me need her. Her head low to me, her lips barely grazing my skin. I feel her singing the words, "Dreaming comes so easily, 'cause it's all that I've known. True love is a fairy tale, I'm damaged so how would I know..." When her mouth meets mine again I kiss her hungrily. If we are both broken then maybe there wont be a moment when she realizes that I am, maybe we can heal and grow together. Not because of each other, not for each other, maybe just ~ together at the same time.
She enters me so slowly, so carefully. Kissing my cheek, my ear, my eye lids. She buries her face in my neck while she moves inside of me. Says my name when she kisses my ear again and ask if I'm okay. Her voice makes this real, her voice makes me real.
I hold her so tightly pulling her deeper, wanting more and more and more. Inside myself I say her name like a prayer, I keep my eyes closed.
"Open your eyes. Please." I can't, I can't, I'll die! Only, as in all things which she ask, I do and there, so close to my own, is her face. "Are you okay?" Her movement slows, a pause where I should answer. "Baby, am I hurting you?"
My mouth is dry, my body is far away, I shake my head a little and smile. My face is hot, my eyes are blurry ~ I must have died ~ I am in heaven. I look out the window over her head at the sky, I need to wake up. This must be a dream. "Look at me." Her voice is full of concern and passion.
I look at her, her angled face, perfect chin. Her thin neck and lovely shoulders. Her dramatic collar bone and her tiny breast. I see her, this wonderful dream-creature, making love to me. "I am looking at you." My voice sounds small, thin, pressed with desire, flushed with awe. I must be in love with you, because even when my eyes are closed I am looking at you.
We kiss, the kind of kiss where you truly want to say something but there are no words so you kiss and hope they understand. The kind of kiss born in a dream and given in a letter.
While we kiss we move together, it is like we are one. It is like we have been lovers forever, it is like all first times should be. When I feel the flower of orgasm begin to bloom deep, deep in the small of my back I hold onto her, so very tightly. My face in the hollow of her shoulder blade, my nails in the flesh of her back. Her breath is deeper, noisier, rougher.
She lies in me, her sweaty forehead against mine. I let her slip away from me slowly, so slowly, not wanting to let go.
We sit there for a few moments, piece by piece getting dressed. She's talking, checking on me, questioning my feelings. "You're alright, right?" Nod. "You came, didn't you?" Nod. "Did you like it?" Nod. "Are you sure?" Nod. Silence.
"Hey, why aren't you talking? Did I hurt you?"
I look away from her, out the window. My eyes can't make the chain link fence in front of me clear, they just wont focus. My mouth is still dry, my insides still pulled tight with pleasure. My hands still shaking. My legs still numb, my body blown away. More than that, so much more, is if I talk too much I just might say something stupid, I may say what she makes me think sometimes, I may tell her that I could love her.
"Talk to me."
"I, I, can't." I swallow the beautiful ball of beautiful tears that want to fall with my girlish confessions of beautiful almost-love. "I can't think, it was awesome. I promise, I don't lie ~ remember?" She smiles and I go on. "That was incredible. I just can't think right now, give me time."
"You're sure, that's it?"
"I'm sure, that's it." That and you are making me love you.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

A Lion & A Cross

There's a lion, shiny black and silver, hanging from my rear view mirror ~ catching the sun like the small blue-glass cross used to do. "There's a Leo where a cross was. Is that bad?" It's an internal question to the self that just hung the key chain there. An external shrug and I tie the cross up next to Leo and smile ~ something I do a lot lately, something I love.
Thank the One for the other.

Monday, January 10, 2005

I Was An Empty Vessel

I used to believe I was dead. I thought of myself as a shell and would consider my body alien among this world of living beauties. I was an empty vessel and the oceans of life moved me and tossed me and shredded my exterior. It didn't matter if I sank, after all I was vacant. I was no longer.
I see now he wanted me to believe that because he thought that if I knew what I was I would leave. Maybe I would have ~ no one will stay forever if they are never seen, appreciated, loved back. In the end I left anyway, my heart long before my body. Habit brought me home when he called. The familiar made me pick the phone up every now and again. Only when I realized I was not this dead thing I dreaded being I could no longer lie to myself or to him. I was not in love ~ I had never been. I used him to fill a painful crack in myself and I let him hurt me because I was afraid of the real pain. The pain of loss and broken hope. The pain of being alone and having to see myself, not as the girl I loved, wearing torn black lace and silver crosses, but as the woman I had become, unable to recognize myself in the mirror.
He refuses to see me as I am, as the person I was becoming the person I want and love to be. He doesn't want to see it, I imagine that might hurt him.
But I am alive, I wont apologize or pretend. I am vibrant, I am beautiful ~ even if not in the most perfect, heroin-sheik way I used to think I should be. I am a writer writing, what is more beautiful. I am an artist sketching ~ it's what I am, what I'm doing, it's what makes me ~ me, and that is awesome. I feel like I've finally found my skin, the skin I fit in. I feel like I am home, safe and warm. I feel alive.
I used to believe I was dead ~ I am more alive than ever.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

I always loved her. I always adored her. I always wanted to be her.
Sometimes, from far away I'd watch her. She was so different from me, she was so much more than me, so much better. It only made me love her more.
One day when no one was looking life happened, we were grown. It wasn't what it was supposed to be or how it was supposed to happen ~ like it or not it was there on our doorstep and we had to let it in.
I put my head down and pushed through it. Hating every morning, dreading every night. Why dream anymore? Everyone knows they never come true. Why believe in what could be? All you have is what is.
Then I got an email, one that touched me, moved me, made me demand that I hold myself accountable. If my death found me and I was not a published writer, painting and loving and laughing in my spare time it would only be my fault. Why? Because if she, so intellectual, so brilliant thought that of me. If she envied me, if someone so perfect saw a gift ~ then surely it is there. Surely others would see it too.
She was the force behind this blog and the person who changed my life. When I found this web site I was amazed. Here was a side I did not know ~ here was a side I loved more. If the person who wrote this is the same as the one who wrote that email then I am truly flattered, because this girl is awesome, someone who will be remembered. I love her.
I guess what I'm saying is regardless of what the dedications may read in the future ~ this blog and every other written thing is in some way due to her, for her, because of her.
Thank you.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Lake River or Ocean?

Ocean, dear monstrously beautiful ocean! I love the way I feel alive, standing on the sand & feeling the wind touch me. I love feeling so completely small and free. I love the possibilities of the ocean. I love mermaids and starfish. I love dreams that are brought in on the soft foam of breaking waves, and sleep that lifts and falls with the waters motion. I love memories that are washed with light and silent because of the oceans hypnotic white noise. I love what the ocean brings to my surface, all of the feeling right under my skin. I love how lost I am there on the shore, I love how at the same time ~ I am found. I love slipping into bed and having you kiss me and whisper, "You smell like the ocean." I love you because you make me feel that way ~ lost & found. I love you because your skin taste like the ocean and your eyes touch me like the wind. I love you because I can not be at the ocean always, because I can not live on that sandy white heaven ~ I love you because you bring the ocean to me, you have it in you always. Lake, river or ocean? Ocean, always ocean, and you. And, dear, monstrously beautiful LOVE.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

I Know

Maybe she's dancing with you, maybe she's talking to someone else, she's probably angry as always. None of it matters and I don't care that I'm at home while you're out there. I don't care if she thinks she's better and has nothing to worry about. I know where you were last night. I know why I wanted to have you near when the world said it's eternal goodbye to 2004. I know that we are caught off guard by our magic and that we love our laughter. I don't care if no one else knows, now or ever.
I know what it is to have you sweat against my naked skin, rock between my legs and wake something dead inside of me. I know your fingers and tongue. I know your kiss like my own, and I know you like it that way. I know your kiss, filled with desire and beautiful as you softly sing and move down my body. I know this year will be good for us ~ you are the one who gave me snow, after all.
I know that you're smarter than people think, I know you see what's in front of you and I know you will make all things right.
I don't care what they say, how it comes to us, when you finally leave her. I know I adore you and I have known your love.