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Sunday, June 11, 2006

She Looks At Me

She looks at me with reverence, her eyes truly taking me in from the back seat. I am singing Rockabye by Ani Difranco. She asked me to play it when we first got in the car, she requested it be repeated and then told me it was okay to sing it; she knew I liked the song. She smiles slightly as I sing, drumming lightly on the steering wheel. I catch her watching me in the rear view mirror and my heart breaks. There is so much love and understanding, I truly do not know how she is capable of that, I was not really aware that I was. She watched the way I do her, wanting to memorize and keep every moment. It makes my skin cold and my chest hurt. I am not ready to be seen like this, I do not want her to memorize me now. I am not the person I wanted her to see, I still feel lost and broken. I am still the failure I was before, not the strong and brave woman I wanted her mother to be. Then I realized that while I am not ready this is the time and that I can not hide from her as I do every other person I know or love. Only, how do I let her know me, when I am not sure who I am. How do I express my love when nothing is or ever will be good ~ any where NEAR ~ good enough?


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