This life is new, though it is already twenty-four years old. This life is new because of her, and because of me. After all the heart raping lessons and the wasted time lost, this is the life that I really get to live. Without apologies and without regret ~ this is my life and I am alive in it! In this life there are some, very rare, extraordinary people who you meet and they give back all the energy and magic that reality sucks from you. They, without any effort, fill the human need to be understood, appreciated, loved and seen for who you really, really are and to be connected to another soul. So many times you meet someone and they seem to be one of your few ~ then they, like most, set out to destroy the beautiful, and therefor threatening, in you. They seek out all that is special and turn it off or take it away so that no one else will find it and show you how brilliant you are. Oh, but when you find one of those true, sparking spirits ~ how wonderful, how absolutely fucking electric life is. This life is the new after the old and torn. This is all the art and creativity that they are through me. This is the beautiful that everyone should see and know. This is the perfectness of all of you ~ one of you. The awesome creatures who I love!
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Maybe it’s my fault, and then you would be right
I guess you don’t see the poetry I bleed
Quiet noise and silent voice in rhythmic death
I don’t know how to show these parts of me
The pain has no voice and when I try
Only the angry child can speak
She looks at me with reverence, her eyes truly taking me in from the back seat. I am singing Rockabye by Ani Difranco. She asked me to play it when we first got in the car, she requested it be repeated and then told me it was okay to sing it; she knew I liked the song. She smiles slightly as I sing, drumming lightly on the steering wheel. I catch her watching me in the rear view mirror and my heart breaks. There is so much love and understanding, I truly do not know how she is capable of that, I was not really aware that I was. She watched the way I do her, wanting to memorize and keep every moment. It makes my skin cold and my chest hurt. I am not ready to be seen like this, I do not want her to memorize me now. I am not the person I wanted her to see, I still feel lost and broken. I am still the failure I was before, not the strong and brave woman I wanted her mother to be. Then I realized that while I am not ready this is the time and that I can not hide from her as I do every other person I know or love. Only, how do I let her know me, when I am not sure who I am. How do I express my love when nothing is or ever will be good ~ any where NEAR ~ good enough?
i am regenerating - watch out. i am in love with learning as an experience. i have realized i can do ANYTHING and am trying to do it. i want to live and not think about it. i want to leave and return seeing things differently. always. i want to become who i am supposed to be, i never want to remain who i am.
