This Is Me

a feeling of imminent danger or doom;
the need to escape;
palpitations;
sweating;
trembling;
shortness of breath or a smothering feeling;
a feeling of choking;
chest pain or discomfort;
nausea or abdominal discomfort;
dizziness or lightheadedness;
a sense of things being unreal, depersonalization;
a fear of losing control or "going crazy";
a fear of dying;
tingling sensations;
chills or hot flushes.

When She Sleeps

So many nights I sit by her, alight the very edge of her bed, as she settles into her cloudlike pillows. I wait for her to find herself the perfect resting place, arranging and rearranging her beautiful self. Once her movement stops I run my fingers through her hair, down her neck and back and trace back up again. Sometimes I touch her face, lightly drawing the perfect lines of her jaw, or the faultless arch of her eyebrow. I watch as she rifts to sleep, notice the way her mouth relaxed, her eyes dance slowly under their lids, and I watch as she pulls herself back to awareness, the way her face changes just before those green eyes flutter open for the briefest second. I adore this time with her, though we rarely speak and some might consider it an awful lot like being alone. I covet it because it brings me peace, breath. In these hours my mind is full of art and inspiration, as my hands memorize her body like the map of an exotic land my eyes take in her loveliness and I feel good. I enjoy the idea, however foolish, that she needs me. She has become so comfortable and used to having me that somehow she sleeps easier with me here. While I fully understand that for my part I am interchangeable because what she needs is someone and I happen to be readily available, in those quiet moments it is easy to pretend it just might be better because it is me.

Best Year Ever ~ I'm Sorry, I Lied

This was supposed to be the best year ever. It was, what happened? In ways it will always be one of the best. In ways it will be one I will regarded with hatred and shame and agony my whole life. Who am I? Where am I going and why does everything take so fucking long? I’m so very tired of saying it will get better, when? When will it be any better? This is life and that’s all there is to it.
I am a disappointment, a disaster. I am a horrible, horrible, desperate, ugly cunt-trash-nothing. I hate what I’ve let everything come to and despite the treacherous way it makes me feel, despite wanting to vomit because I am stuck in this skin, I seriously don’t see anyway to change it, except going back and I am almost positive that will only make me hate myself more.
The only feeble attempt at justification I can make is that I honestly believed that things could and would be good by now, or at least very, very soon.
Now what?

Mood Rings

Red = Excited, energized, adventurous, ready to go
Orange = Stimulating ideas, daring, wanting
Amber = Nervous, mixed emotions, unsettled, cold
Yellow = Imaginative, thoughts are wondering, feeling okay
Green = Average, not under stress, normal
Blue-Green = Inner emotions are charged, somewhat relaxed
Blue = Relaxed, at ease, calm, loving
Dark Blue = Very happy, in love, passionate, romantic
Purple = Sensual, clarity, knowing the purpose
Pinkish = Fear, uncertainty, unanswered questions
Black = Tense, nervous, feeling cornered or harassed
Gray = Anxious, nervous, strainedWhite = Frustrated, confused, bored

I Can Never Explain

I cannot tell you how your beauty makes me feel, how the warmth that stirs between us makes me smile. I cannot begin to talk to you of how as we make love you release me, how every time you look at me with that spark in your eye I die inside. I could never express how I wake from dreams of you and my entire body hurts to have you near me ~ to have to touch me or sleep so close that I might hear your breath ~ feel your heart beat. There are no words for the peace that fills me when I lay you down to sleep. When I sit with you ~ hold you ~ stroke you ~ watch you ~ as you drift off into sleep. How I am entranced as I lean in and kiss your forehead goodnight before I slip out of your room and let myself out your door. You ~ for all that you know of the countless way in which I worship you ~ may very well leave this life with out every truly knowing what you are to me. What your existence means to my own ~ what knowing you has done to the very fabric which makes me ~ me. You may never know how much better I am because of you ~ how much more and brighter ~ how changed and awake. You may never understand the amount of writing that would not have been done, the person who never would have walked this earth.
If you understand just one infinitesimal, miniscule fragment of what you and this and we are and what you and this and we mean to me then I will be satisfied for you have had a glimpse at what it is to be me ~ what it is to be so whole-heartedly privileged enough to not only look at you ~ to not only touch you and taste you ~ to adore you in such a multiple of beautiful and intimate ways.

Fluctuation

You have broken something beautiful ~ destroyed something absolutely AMAZING. Inside I am a little hurt that you couldn’t just let it flourish, but I don’t hate you ~ not at all. I almost love you more. See, but people change – we are always evolving and moving, some of us much, much, agonizingly much slower than others. Some of us SO much faster it’s scary. You ~ I believe ~ lived your life rapidly changing for some time now, and you are slowing down. Rolling through it, catching your breath. I was still ~ terrified and resisting even the small growth that one cannot help. When I met you I was ready ~ the tension of kinetic passion and anticipation of anything ~ EVERYTHING ~ built to a point of breaking. You simply leaned in and, as soft as you spoke, your breath was enough to open the floodgates.
You were what I needed ~ in some ways I believe I will always need you. Only it is unlike anything I have known, it is the reason that I would like to always know you, to settled somewhere close to you. This need is not one where I need you to be myself or in which I fear abandonment, maybe need is the wrong word all together. I think it is. When you are near me I am brave and strong, you release the fear and I open up and feel life entirely. I like my smile and my laughter; I like the earth and all the mysteries of it.
You do not understand when I say that you are great ~ you smile that smile that says, “I know I am.” You don’t ~ you have no idea what I mean. It is so much more than your looks, which are fine and have an exquisiteness that baffles me. More than your movements ~ measured and eloquent like a cat. More than your ability to do anything so much better than anyone I know. More than your beautiful mind and wonderful heart. You have your own perfection, exist on your own level ~ in your realm.
Smarter than me? Maybe, you have more life experience that’s for sure. You fail to understand though. You think tied down, committed, responsible. I’m not saying any of those things ~ I do not want them. I just want to know you and your life as you grow and change. I want to be here growing and changing beside you. Not for you, not because of you ~ with you. I don’t want to be the change or limit your direction ~ I would just like to be your witness.
That’s just it ~ what you destroyed. I would have been your blind witness. I would have told the world of your superhuman life. I would have smiled for ages and thanked the stars until the day, or evening ~ or night, I took my last breath. I know that still I will be your witness, only now I know you are human. Oh, darling, though you are one of the absolute best that God graced this planet with ~ you are human.
You are human and within perfection, you are correct, there is fluctuation. I just ~ I fail to understand. Why would you want me to see that when it would have been easy to let me live and breathe under the impression that you were yourself a god? Did you not care that you might break the spell? Or did you think that spell unbreakable?
Still, I am not sad, I am unbelievably happy – am grateful, am excited, am overwhelmed, am alive!
I thank you, I cannot wait to see where we will go.

Woolf, Christmas 1945

“Mad Daughter and Big-Bang”

Walking in the vegetable patch
late at night, I was startled to find
the severed head of my
mad daughter lying on the ground.

Her eyes were upturned, gazing at me, ecstatic-like…

(From a distance it had appeared to be a stone, haloed with light,
as if cast there by the Big-Bang.)

What on earth are you doing, I said,
you look ridiculous.

Some boys buried me here,
she said sullenly.

Her dark hair, comet-like, trailed behind…

Squatting, I pulled the
turnip up by the root.

Shark

Please, please don’t look so happy. Please don’t let the cracks in my lips and the dirt in my hair bring you joy. Please don’t let yesterday’s jeans still on me and days of knots in my hair bring that smile. Please don’t see the sad in my eyes and come circling in, don’t hear the break in my voice and get too excited.
“WHAT’S WRONG NO LONGER DATING?” You gloat, you think that I’m dying ~ and well I could be ~ but it was so worth the fall.
We never were. I walk pass and keep my head down. So that you cannot see the sting in my eyes ~ so that you may not go for the kill.
“NEVER DID WANT YOU? GUESS GIRLS ARE JUST LIKE BOYS – GIVE IT UP AND THEY KNOW THEY CAN HAVE IT WHEN EVER – WHY WOULD SHE KEEP COMING AROUND? IF SHE GETS BORED WITH HER NEXT GIRL FRIEND MAYBE SHE’LL COME BACK UNTIL SHE FINDS ANOTHER…”
“Shut up ~ shut up. PLEASE!” You are wrong and maybe you will never see that and God I hope that you are getting what you need in this, may is serve some purpose. You are wrong ~ if you weren’t though ~ if you truly thought you were right why would you use it to cut out my heart that way. How could you find any joy in what you’re saying to me? Even if you thought it was wrong and you believed it a sin why doesn’t your heart hurt in the tiniest way as you see your youngest daughter crumble?
You keep on and want to know why I’m alone, who did she replace me with and why and when and what happened. Maybe now I’ll look for a guy with children and grow up. I shake my head and you want to know why I hate you so much that I have to carry on with this, “YOU RUN OFF AT HER WHIM YOU WAIT FOR HER TO BEKON. YOU LOOK LIKE SUCH A FOOL AND YOU MAKE ME LOOK LIKE ONE TOO. WHY CAN’T YOU JUST FORGET HER, FIND A MAN AND GET MARRIED?”
Tears you will saw are for her as you blind yourself to what you are doing to me. Tears and the rage that made me leave and keeps me gone and makes me ~ in ways ~ so ugly. “I am a lesbian m-“
“ONE GIRL HARDLY QUALIFIE-“
Screaming, “No that’s it. That’s it. She is my best friend and she makes me stronger and I like her and girls!”
You’re laughing hysterically at me, you’re laughing at that emotion and at my heart. You are killing me with that laugh, killing what I love.

My Darling Leo,

Breathe ~ a reminder to myself. I imagine that you never need to remind yourself to breathe. In my mind ~ despite having seen you be this lovely timid girl ~ you are a fierce and brave lion. A lion with wings and eyes the color green only angels and other creatures most loved by God have.
The weekend came and I was so scared. You were so vague and indifferent and cool ~ you had never treated me as though there was a distance. I didn’t care that you made other plans ~ just that you didn’t talk to me about them. Not in a way like you have to explain ~ in a way like you always did before. I keep thinking that I should have seen something ~ that this shouldn’t be such a shock. Am I so blind? I never considered myself to be. Then I never considered a lot of things and that was just ignorant on my part.
Then there’s a phone call ~ several ~ and I hate them because I am so stupid drunk that I can’t even remember your voice or what was said. I know that their memory makes my heart hurt and I know that I had you raging mad. I know that I closed my phone and just before a wave of incredible sickness spun me around I thought, “God, please don’t let that be the last time we speak.”
All I know now is that scared is edging away and in it’s place there is this terrible sadness. I feel sick to my stomach and I reach for the phone. I’m going to call the one person who can always make anything better ~ ahh, but I’m leaving her alone ~ that actually may be backwards. She’s my Leo ~ my best friend and she’d know just what to say. Only today, I don’t think she’s say anything to me ~ she doesn’t want to even think of me. Guess that is what makes this the worst.
I’m not sure where you stand on so many things, don’t know if you think this could pass and we’ll still be friends with benefits or friends with out said benefits or friends at all. Here’s what I do know: I know that you became so wonderfully a part of everything and gave it life. I know that for a good while my poorly packed cigarettes will cause the same sting as my tied shoes. I know that I still think we’ll know each other always ~ what a lovely thought. I know that I will write you letters still, dreams and thoughts and things. I think I would die if I didn’t because you will inspire me forever. I know that I miss you already ~ I think that I know that you knew I would.
I * you were not still a mystery, I * you were not still full of such beautiful magic. I * I were more Sagittarian ~ more selfish and less interested. I * it didn’t feel so good to please you and have you smile at me. Even if you never spoke to me again ~ if you did and were horribly, horribly mean and deliberately hurt my heart ~ I would never * to forget that smile. Never * I knew or loved you less. I ~ in terms of you ~ am passionate and that is awesome and that I guess is bound to equal both very good ~ as it has ~ and very yucky ~ as we’ve so embarrassingly seen. How could I ~ now that I have felt this ~ been so alive with passion ~ so on fire with pleasure ~ completely awoken ~ how could I dare to * it were any different or imagine living this life any other way? I cannot and I will not and I do not want to.
All of My Love,
Rae

I Cannot Breathe

And a week later they may have lost there sparkle forever. Please, God, please no.

I cannot breathe ~
Nothing I can do
I am without sleep,
So badly, missing you
I did not think ~
We’d really come to this
In all of my dreams
I’m never without your kiss
So now I’m here
Silence filling this place
If I close my eyes
I’m haunted by your beautiful face
The very green
Which makes the sun rise each day
Hurting me so bad
Still it kills me to turn away
Destroys something beautiful
Inside my ugly heart
Slowly causing pains
That tear me apart
And I know that I,
Should have seen ~
That you were growing bored ~
I was loosing that green
I know that I,
Would have done everything
There wasn’t the chance
To do anything
We’re not that far
From when it all began
What if I never
Hear your voice again
Will you ever look?
Where will I be?
Some how I’m sure
You’ll know where to find me
That kills me more
Because you’ll never come
When you loose your interest
You’re simply done
Now I am the girl
Who was silly to let you in
Sillier still, I’d keep it all
Despite our agonizing end